Men, Fight With Your Friends!

12 • 03 • 25

Imagine what we’ve ever been taught about maintaining friendships was wrong.

Be kind. Don’t fight. Don’t judge. Accept and support. Yadda yadda.

Some might say these are the bedrock of healthy friendships. Well, to a point, I disagree. These are the foundations of nice friendships—agreeable, easy, comfortable, and, crucially, low-maintenance. The kind that won’t truly challenge you or push you forward.

I expect my friends to have opinions about me. To challenge me. To be harsh when needed and not simply accept everything I say or do. Why? Because if my closest friendships are meant to last a lifetime, they need to evolve with me, and me with them. This means various iterations of the relationship, it means change and where there is change we invariably experience some resistance being the habitual creatures that we are. 

If they’re the right friends for me, I don’t want them to just stand by idly—I want them to help me grow, spot my weaknesses or even where I am too strong and need to dial down. We want the best for our friends, Yes? So surely we would want them to want the best for us, yes? Well wanting is part one, participating is another. 

True friends play many roles beyond just being fun or pleasant. A real friend can be a harsh critic, a straight-talking sibling, a co-counsellor, a teammate, or even a competitor. The common thread? They push us forward. The best friendships, like good investments, compound over time because of one's consistent and sustained micro efforts, both when times are good and bad. 

So, Are Your Friends Right for You?

I wrote about this many moons ago in "Why on Earth Aren't We Talking About Friendship?". In there, I designed an exercise called the "Friendship Audit" which highlights how friends score and how you would score yourself. I'd highly recommend you give it a go [I'll include the link at the end]. But ultimately, the answer comes down to three questions:

1. Are you happy in life? Yes or No? If Yes, then I bet your friends are likely doing their job well, and so are you. Job done, you can close this and carry on. 
   

2. If No, what kind of life would you consider to be a happy one, play with the sentence stem, "I am happiest when..."?
   

3. Are your friends playing an active role in shaping the above answer?
   

Now, there’s a key distinction we must make between what your ego wants in friendships and what your heart truly needs.
[bear in mind the ego doesn't need anything more than it already has and its wants are insatiable. The heart on the other hand doesn't want or need much, give him the basics and he's hella contented] 

• Your ego wants: Friends who say what you want to hear. Who only do the easy things. Who are “cool” or “successful”, or at least try to be, but are not necessarily happy. Who are only there when it suits them—or when it suits you.
  

• Your heart needs: Friends who are honest. Who believe in you. Who see and show you you potential. Who show up consistently, in both good and bad times and whether you like it or not. Who energise you.

Think about the times you've spent with your friends. Do they leave you refuelled and excited? Or drained and uninspired? For many men I’ve worked with, the answer is the latter. It was for me too—until my friends and I started demanding more of each other. More conversation. More challenge. More growth.

This shift separated my best friends from my nice friends. The ones who wanted growth are now in my corner—we collaborate, support each other’s businesses, stay accountable, and actively shape each other’s lives. Those wanting comfort? They’re still there, just in a different role, nice but not essential. 

Yes, this isn’t a low-maintenance path but it’s the highest-yielding for health, happiness, and wealth to which many studies conclude all around the world, no matter race, language or culture. So if you ask me, it's worth the effort.

And here’s the best part. Once you’ve built friendships that excite, challenge and grow with you, and the standard has been established... you can relax.

"But you just said don’t get comfortable. Contraire my friend, contraire!"

Why then?

Because by this stage you have your foundation of all the right stuff [above]. There is a safe knowing that what you have created is a healthy ecosystem that can sustain itself throughout the seasons. When and if something comes in to disrupt it, you can trust that those habitual muscles you've worked hard on, and the health of friendship will fight off that isolated event.

Why This Matters Now More Than Ever

Men today lack strong, positive friendships. And the consequences are real.

Without them, we become isolated. We pull away from real connection. We over-identify with our work, place too much emotional weight on a partner (if we have one), and, if isolation goes too far, we spiral. We know where that dark road leads and I’m sick and tired of feeding the problem by just talking about it.

The men's mental health crisis isn’t just about stress, work, or lack of purpose. It’s about the absence of real friendship. And friendship happens to be our closest thing to a low-cost, realistic solution. If you know of a better one, please tell me. 

If we had friends who were less nice—who were willing to fight for us, with us, and be there whether we wanted it or not—we’d be telling a very different story today.

Because real friendship isn’t just about support sometimes it means fighting with your friends—not against them, but for them and yourself.

So, how are your friendships built on either comfort or growth? And which one do you want?

Big love

Actions & Upcoming:

• If you are interested in the Friendship Audit [click here]

• I run a Group Coaching Program called the Friendship Network. It leverages all the above lessons focussing on Health, Wealth and Happiness. If you feel like you’d be interested, reach out or book a call with me

• Gents’ Doggy Walk & Dip is happening on the last Sunday of this month. If interested, book here (it’s free).

• Men’s Fire & Ice ‘Promotion’ for the new Dartington Somewhere Sauna, tickets & info here.