A Monumental Year.

Married, dog, bought land, bought a car, started MEN'S DAY Vancouver, stopped Financial Coaching, many adventures abroad and moved homes. I have had some of my highest and lowest moments, all the while trying to maintain some sense of consistency with my work as a coach and event facilitator. Most of all, I feel like I took a great leap in understanding my 'why,' which I won't bore you with this time around (insert cliffhanger for the next newsletter), but the point is, with all those 'wins,' I somehow feel disappointed, and here’s why.

Expectation meets Reality: The Roots of Disappointment

My feeling of disappointment was a result of expecting my work success to be better than it was in reality. Now, this may seem an obvious point, but it's the root cause of a lot of pain. Expectations can be obvious and grand, like job promotions or bonuses, but for me, they were more subtle. Like the idea that I would feel more secure in my career. 

Quote for thought, “Happiness is equal to or greater than the events of your life, minus your expectation of how life should be” Mo Gawdat. 

This isn't the first time I have slipped under the spell of my expectations. I keep on thinking that somehow, something outside of me will bring me the sense of success and satisfaction I aspire to. Consistently throughout my life, I put pressure on the external to issue my happiness, but time and time again, I am either disappointed with the result, or I am happy with the way it turned out, which ultimately differed from my original expectation anyway.

Lessons in Combating Expectations.

Reality is Often Better than our Expectations

I was hopelessly in search of love for about 5 years. Nothing would stick, and my search grew desperate. Ironically, the thing that granted me my wish was giving up entirely. I consciously decided to practice celibacy for a year, drawing a hard line in the sand between myself and the idea of meeting someone. Then, a year later during the pandemic, there she was, in a park practising Yoga. Thinking nothing of it, I walked over and asked, “Do you stretch here often?” and we have been together ever since. [For a laugh, if you want to see this story in video format, watch this

Presence

Contentment, happiness, joy, love, and peace are all deeply rooted in the present moment. Fantasizing is another way of raising the bar of expectations and living in the future while, in turn, increasing the chance of disappointment. Sadness, anxiety, regret, shame, and denial are then the byproducts of this disappointment which leaves us stuck in the past or fearing the future.

I was listening to a podcast where a man described how the masculine is rooted in ‘doing’: productivity, discipline, pushing limits, wanting more. Whereas the feminine is rooted in ‘being’: contentment, surrender, acceptance, peace, presence, and love. I spent so much of this year tied up in the expectation of achieving more (masculine), rarely giving myself a chance to enjoy and be happy with how far I have come (feminine).

Control and Responsibility

The belief that something outside of us will grant our wishes means constantly handing over the keys to our happiness to others. By choosing to be responsible for how we feel, we seek the pity of others less, and by pointing the fingers at ourselves we have little choice but to take back some control in our lives.

Projection

I have noticed that as things don’t go my way, which is to say reality doesn’t meet my expectations, I become more reactive and project my frustrations onto those closest to me. Namely, Francesca, my wife, and Malu, our dog.

Reflections and Intentions Exercise.

Now, ‘there are none more self-righteous than the newly converted’, so in an effort not to come across high and mighty, I would like to propose an exercise that might be of use as we consolidate last year and welcome in the new.

Happiest Moments

1. Consider and write down your happiest moments from last year. 

2. During these moments, were you present or somehow stuck in the past or future?

   1. How did the reality of these moments compare to your expectations? 

   2. Given your answers. What is the conclusion you draw on your happiness?

Disappointing Moments

1. Write down your most disappointing moments from last year. 

2. How did you want them to be different? 

   1. Describe how reality fell short of your expectations. 

3. Curiously, comment on how those expectations lead to disappointing results.  [Keyword being, “Curious,” meaning, not to judge yourself or another but to take an interested approach to understanding something]

Welcome 2024

1. Make a short list of what you are hoping/expecting might happen this year, that you would consider a success or achievement. 

2. Next to each item comment on what is within your control and what falls outside of your control. Example: Job Promotion 

   1. In my control = Find enjoyment in being of service to my team and practising non-reactivity when someone pisses me off.

   2. Out of my control = My boss’s decision to give me the job promotion. 

3. With each item. Give a percentage of how much energy you are investing in what is within your control and what falls outside of your control. Example: 

4. In my control = 30% Out of my control = 70% 

5. What might sway those figures in your favour?

Final Thoughts and Recommendations: 

Now, I have one final suggestion and request. Listen to this podcast: Diary of a CEO: E101: The Happiness Expert That Made 51 Million People Happier: Mo Gawdat (Apple or Spotify). I promise it won’t disappoint.

If you have any reflections from this exercise, what I wrote, or the podcast, I would love to hear them. Selfishly, seeing how you connect with my newsletter is what makes this process enjoyable for me so if you have any thoughts, please reach out.

Big love

Ben