Context, Pretext, Subtext & Intertextual

Men’s Growth Group

16 • 02 • 24

Context

I have left London, and I’m shocked at how easy life is. No more planning things with friends months in advance, no more dreaded commutes, noise pollution (barring the odd seagull), the water isn’t made of metal, and people are so friendly I have to factor in added time in town for random conversation. Why then am I shocked? This question has lit a bit of a fire under my arse, and soon you will learn what I have done about it but first, pretext.

Pretext

Late October 2022, the summer had ended, and the clocks had turned back. I find myself on the couch with Francesca, saying how much I missed living in a small town. Where the open-door policy was encouraged, friends met regularly, and people felt a part of rather than apart from each other. I longed for this so much so that I had one of my very rare lightbulb moments. To get this back, I would gather a bunch of friends and create an awesome day for us to share, and so… MENS DAY was born. Now, hundreds of men later, both in the UK and Vancouver, and soon to be Cape Town, I have learned that men need spaces where they can shed their masks, have fun, be challenged, and most of all, connect.

As great as all of this sounds, I have learned that one fundamental part of connection and community building is missing from MENS DAY, consistency. Here I was thinking that all I would have to do is create a kickass event, chuck in a bit of coaching and all will be well. This would be true for the day and perhaps the week, but life would resume, and problems would return, only to leave these men wondering how they can feel higher than life on one day and worse off the next. Now, as I anti-market MENS DAY into the ground, it is for a good reason. There are no quick fixes. Thinking that an event would help the myriad of challenges we face is crazy now that I think of it, and so Men’s Growth Group was born, kind of.

Subtext

“Oh my lordi lord. All these bloody texts, when will he get to the point!” Now I know you are desperately waiting to hear about the Men’s Growth Group, but I have to do it once more. You ought to know the Subtext around this program as it’s the unsung hero on which the success of Coach Ben and MENS DAY sit and it goes by the name of ‘Rid’s Dinner’.

[Side bar: I should mention that I have absolutely zero clue whether I am using context, pretext, sidebar or subtext in the right way, but it makes for a good cliffhanger haha]

Rids Dinner is what Ridhish Divani, Will Adolphy and I started back in 2019. We didn’t know it at the time, but we created a way of supporting and coaching each other. We would consistently meet up, have dinner, and discuss important themes that we felt were difficult to address alone. During dinner, we would each present on a topic of our choosing for 15 minutes and then be questioned for 15 minutes. It was here where I got that sense of community and connection I was longing for. It was here where I formalised the idea of MENS DAY and here where I discussed becoming a coach. Without Rids Dinner, I reckon I would’ve continued teaching or, worse, hosting kids’ parties!

Over the years, as things do, the flame died down with Rids Dinner so at the end of last year, I came to the group with a revised proposition, a Rids Dinner 2.0. It involved monthly group coaching, weekly support calls, and an in-person event every 2 months (at least). We also decided on setting up a group savings account for an international trip we would plan at the end of the 6 months. Rids Dinner 2.0 would hold us more accountable and bring us closer together and in short, has breathed new life and vigour into our personal and professional lives.

See what Rid and Will have to say about it.

So with the success of Rid’s Dinner, I knew I had to initiate something that would offer the same benefits to other men.

Men’s Growth Group

So here it is, the moment you didn’t realise you had been waiting for until now. Men’s Growth Group is a way of gathering, being accountable, learning and unlearning who you are and where you want to go. It’s a three-month course, formal in the sense that it requires weekly meetings where we will discuss our lives and what matters in life but informal in that you will be encouraged to meet up with the members of the group. Every week you will make a plan to either call or meet with someone in the group. Could be a quick chat over the phone or a 2-hour sauna session. The point is you will practice being there for someone and enjoy having others there for you. At the end of each month, we will have a full day together. In month one, we will do something really challenging. In month two, something really fun and in month three; we will celebrate together at MENS DAY.

Now, if your thinking is that it sounds like a huge commitment and you don’t know that you would choose that for yourself then I would argue you are right. It is a large commitment and it is a hard choice, but I stand so firmly by this quote and never did it fit so well, “hard choice, easy life. Easy choices, hard life” - Jerzy Gregorek.

If Rids Dinner and MENS DAY didn’t teach me this already, then here is what I have learnt from coaching to support why I am doing this. Connections is fundamental to our success, and it’s embedded in every one of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Our evolutionary success and rise to the top of the food chain were predicated on our ability to connect through the use of language and the exchange of goods and knowledge. Now, with everything that is said to connect us; internet, phones, social media. We are more disconnected than ever. Suicide and loneliness are now of the highest importance to health boards like WHO, the United States Public Health Service, NHS and so on. Why, because we have stopped placing importance on gathering and being together in the good times and the bad. This was made worse when we were forced to separate during the pandemic. The effects of these new cultural norms are felt more so in big cities like London where it is easy to hide from our problems, show only the ‘best’ of ourselves and tick by with whatever vices we have to feel normal. For me, this meant hiding at home, where it was quiet and calm. Pretending as if the city didn’t exist outside my door. For many others, they might do the opposite. They might hide from home, where silence is lonesome, and spend their time at work or the pub.

In almost every coaching session I have, it’s clear that if someone had the right support system as I do through Rid’s Dinner I wouldn’t be needed as their coach. With Rid and Will, I am challenged in my thoughts and actions. Recently they have taught me that they sometimes experience me as a Bully which, now that I reflect on it, is true! But they also support me. I recently had someone I was working with, whom I respected and cared for, totally change in character and reject me from their life and I couldn’t understand why. I turned to Rid and Will, and they created a safe space to explore this with them. I cannot emphasise this enough, what these men do to consistently show up in my life comes nowhere near to any course I could do, event I could attend or coach/therapist I could see. It’s the fact that we are there for each other, always, that lets me know I will be fine. It gives me the confidence to take the chances I have at going for my best life, taking the risks and not having to do it all alone or dump it on Francesca, my wife. We are a team and we firmly believe helping the success of each other contributes to our success.

Intertextual

[ok this subheading might be a force but the Oxford definition relates quite well, “relating to or involving a relationship between texts.”]

So, in closing, I want to give this to a small group of men in London. Empower them over three months and be confident that I can leave after those three months, knowing that they can let go of what no longer serves them and live up to the life they want for themselves. Essentially these men will be joining a team where healthy and meaningful friendship exists. Where they are supported during the hard times, challenged if needed and, collectively, play a part in each other’s success stories.

So, if you connect with this or if you know a man who needs this and they live in London. Please have them read this and get in touch.

Here is my email: ben@coachben.me